Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Okay, I know this sounds crazy...but I'm still feeling it, so I'm going to put it out there so you wise ones can lead me through. The therapist wants Walter to spend more time out of scamperland and to build up as much time in the shoe as possible. She said, and I quote, "Let him out around the house."
Let him walk around the house??? it goes against my every instinct. I want to keep him in scamperland where its safe. where he's safe. I've become so robotic in our strict "routines" (medication at exact times of day, exercises and physio ball everyday, coordinated babysitting, No time outside scamperland except potty breaks, no running, jumping, rough housing, going on walks etc...) that now that walter's routines can change back...I'm having a hard time changing anything at all. I'm not ready!!!
My little man can actually go on short walks outside on a leash now! It's terrifying! what if a car...what if his leash...I can't even finish the sentence. I won't! I KNOW!! stop worrying! Walter isn't worrying!!! In fact, in an attempt to prolong the "babying" I got walter in a new stroller. a $250 contraption with all the bells and whistles. You know what happened? I put him in the new stroller, said, "Here Wally! It's your new stroll..." Then I heard, "Rrrrrrrrip!"
Walter slashed the front netting with his nails. Slashed it right out like...."I don't believe I'll be taking the stroller anymore mom! See ya!" Then he hopped out.
So now the stroller is going BACK to the manufacturers! Returned! Come on UPS, take the baby-mobile away! We don't need it! (But...but I need it!!) How can I possibly take this little guy on walks out in the big world unless it's in an indestructible bulletproof gerbil ball with a security envoy!?!
My question is, how do I let my dog be "normal" again when I'm so used to everything being abnormal?? Letting him walk around the house seems as sane as letting him "walk around the mouth of a volcano." What if something happens? It's started to trigger some of the old memories...some of the post traumatic stress stuff. I don't know if my heart can take letting HIM take risks again. I don't know if I can do it. I know I should, I know he's ready...even the doctor says he's ready, but so help me...I cannot go through this again. How do I make sure I never go through this again and give him any freedom at all?
Winston, Lise and many others, I know you'll point me to the positive, which makes me love you!! I'm right there with you! In fact, I am POSITIVE I want to keep walter in an inflated pug bubble-suit for protection ;) okay that might get hot...but you know what I mean. Being positive is essential, and so are fences. So where does caution remain, and faith begin???
I've been clinging to the tippy-top of a palm tree for so long during this 4 month storm...I don't know how to climb down even after the storm is over and the waters are starting to recede. How do I convince myself to step foot on dry land again? Is it safe? It seems so much safer up in the tree!
(I just know some Chinese philosopher has this all figured out already. It's so frustrating to be small.)