Walter in repose

Wally Woo is exhausted after huckstering his wares at the charity gift wrap....

Pug Rescue at Barnes and Noble

Our Barnes and Noble Pug Rescue Charity Wrap was overrun by meatloafs on legs!

KISS A PUG and SAVE A LIFE!
Kiss our pugs and make a donation to MN Pug Rescue. 100% of your donation goes to needy local pugs for life saving medical treatments. Everything helps!

OUR PUGS DESPERATELY WANT TO KISS YOU!
Tomorrow at Barnes and Noble I will be gift wrapping for Pug Rescue WITH Walter, and several other of my Pug Rescue pals and their pugs. all dresssed for the holidays of course. Santa Pug, Elf Pug, Mince Meat Pie Pug.

So come on down tomorrow- Xmas Eve, and make a donation to Pug Rescue (no amount to large or small!) and get sloppy goggle-eyed kissed by a pack of pugs! You haven't lived till these freaks have had their way with you!!!

Walter watches a dog show, and hates it.

This is Walnut barking ferociously at the ESPN televised Dog Show and the G-damn dogs running around on his television.

He would pop back and forth between the TV and the window, barking his wee head off. He thinks the TV is just another window, so he expected these freaking Akitas and japanese Chins to show up in the yard.

He's basically saying "You damn kids get outta my yard!"

Best of show went to a (stunning) Akita, and the only way to calm Wally down was to turn it off and give him chicken fingers. Thank God Papa John's delivers.

sweeping in de strollie

Pug Vs. Peacock

When's Lunch?

I ordered the Lobster Bisque a half hour ago.

Thug Pug

Walter got arrested. It was so embarrassing. They caught him trying to hold-up a Hot Dog Stand by the convention center...and brought him home in a squad car. Here he is in the back seat, already planning his next attempt...

It's a Wunnerful Pug

They Remixed It's A Wonderful Life to include Walter. His agents talked the MGM movie execs into going for the pug vote. It didn't go so well though, after initial test screenings the execs thought he came across as a token diversity character, and he cost them an arm and a leg by pooping on a Zac Posen dress and then ate the Christmas ham.

what would you say??

I was fired from my position as Assistant Needs Director for Wallingford. He felt my snack production levels were unacceptable and my general snap-to-it-ness was lacking. He said I needed an attitude adjustment. I wasn't actually fired, just demoted to Beef Jerkey Boy. I said I didn't know what that was, and he raised an eyebrow and said, "You get me Beef Jerkey."

Doxie Love

Could it be Walter's experience with Mod Dog that made him fall so hard for this toy Doxie? he made me play fetch with it for an hour. All I know is dog toy manufacturers have GOT to stop putting shrill, ear-piercing music boxes inside their plush toys. It's how serial dog-toy killers are made.

Makka-makka-makka

The sound I make when I see the new cover of The Ugly Pugling: Wilson the Pug in Love by Nancy Levine. Nancy's pug, Wilson, is apparently the direct descendent ot Pug-tzu, Lao-Tzu's pug. Of course I can't post the picture here - walter reads this blog daily, (and barks at his own picture) I certainly CAN'T post a pic of Wilson....who is on the cover of a book and a Chinese legacy super star and who's name starts with W etc...etc...Walter would freak. So I'll put a picture of Walter above (to throw him off) and the link to the book below. (shhhhhhhh)

http://www.amazon.com/Ugly-Pugling-Wilson-Pug-Love/dp/0670063223

Wally Waffles

Every time I made myself Waffles, Walter would hoot and holler to get some, so I finally bought him a box of Kellogg's "Mini waffles" and made him his own. Voila. Wally Waffles.

Sock Monkeh Day 2

The destruction begins. Bye bye pom-pom.

Sock Monkeh

Introducing Sock MOnkeh, Walter's new favorite toy. We can only hope Big Pig does not get jealous and seek some sort of elaborate revenge. On the other hand, maybe Big Pig is happy to have a little break from being Wally Woo's "favorite."

Please vote for Walter Biggie Smalls

Walter is in a photo contest, and if he wins $1,000 dollars goes to pug rescue!!! So if you have time, please stop by http://tinyurl.com/2eu26j and click on walter's photo (as above.) His name is Walter Biggie Smalls, and you can vote every day! click on Wally, save a life!

Bad Boy is actually Good Boy

I took an over-the-counter sleeping pill last night, and it knocked me for a loop! I slept in and poor Wally couldn't got outside to go potty when he needed to. I woke up and thought "Oh dear, better go find where Wally went pooty...and I looked and looked, and I thought maybe I cold smell something...but then I couldn't find it...so we went for a walk but no pooty, so I KNEW he had to have gone in the house. We made breakfast and I did the laundry and while I was folding clothes I noticed a big pooty on the windowsill. What??? Walter climbed the couch, used acrobatic balance and manage to do his buisness right on the windowsill. What I couldn't figure out was why he went there...and then I realized, it's the one window in the house he can reach, it overlooks the backyard, and it must seem almost like outside! So Wally tried to go outside! He really did! Good bad boy Wally! Extra treats for you!!!

Stealing the Show

I got to do an interview with "Shoe Are You?" This great Shoe blog by Meghan Cleary, and she wanted a picture of my favorite shoes. (Gold Jimmy Choo ballet flats pictured above!) I kept trying to take a picture, but Wallingford has rarely, if ever seen a camera when it wasn't pointed at him, and so got in every shot. I ended up just going with it and giving the blog this picture. The only problem is - who cares about the shoes when there's a puggin muggin in the frame?

Scary Wally

Wally sleeps at my feet when I write. He is my gatekeeper. If I ever stop writing and look at him, this is what I see....and I quick get back to writing.

Walter scored!

I already told you guys that I used to peddle poor Walter around in this stroller when I was huckstering my book to bookstores, and how great he was at making friends AND helping momma bring home the rent money. But now it looks like Wally has scored one for his brother and sistah pugs!

The Barnes and Noble at Calhoun Village, who we met during those rounds, asked us if MN Pug Rescue would like to come and be one of the holiday charities that wraps presents for donations. The manager, one Miss Fabulous Kelley, thought it would be great to help needy pugs. Many are waiting for surgeries and medical treatments that are incredibly expensive, and the rescue group help pays for these, so the more money we raise, the more pugs we can help.

The best part is the store is letting us bring our pugs! we're going to dress them for the holidays, except as I've already explained to Walter, he'll have a bandaged leg and a little crutch like Tiny Tim. I'm also making him an "amnesia patient" head bandage, and a small sign to carry that says, I NEED MONEY.

Dogs in Danger.com

New Web site tries to save dogs slated for death: http://www.dogsindanger.com/

Crisis with Big Pig

I think Walter is having a domestic abuse issue with Big Pig. This is how I found him this morning. I didn't have the heart to turn him over and show you...but do you see that bit of stuffing coming out of his arm? That is the stuffed animal equivalent of a pool of blood. His whole front is ripped open.

Walter looks at me like, What? I didn't do that. He did it to himself.

I have to peform surgery later today, restuff Big Pig and sew him back up. I think he'll make it through this time, but the future is uncertain. I fear this is going to escalate. Maybe with some counselling and anger management classes, Wally can learn to control his insatiable urge to kill his pig. I don't know. It doesn't look good.

Loves Bears, Hates Pumpkins

We went to the Post Office and the nice Lady gave Walter a Post Office Bear. Walter loooves it. This is his num-num face, as in, "I am so happy numnumnumnum" He's keeping P.O.B. in the car so he always has a travel buddy.

He does not love pumpkins however. He saw his first pumpkin today on a neighbors lawn and started growling at it. He circled in on it and nipped at, hoping he could get it to go away.

Wally's New Flossie

The picture is grainy but the sentiment is not. Wally got a new rawhide Flossie today, and this is the last I saw of it. He's buried it somewhere in the house, I'm sure to be discovered when I step on it barefoot late at night or sit down on the couch.

Tie-Tie Wally

It's hot here today, and Wally stays indoors and sweepy-times wiff Pig Big when it's hot.

The Walk from Hell

Do you see what this expression says? First of all I think he's channeling Leona Helmsley and second of all it says, "you're beginning not to amuse me."

Sometimes I walk Walter and it's a marvelous romp through the world, and sometimes it's a disaster worthy of Candid Camera. Today, Walter pulled on his leash the entire time until my forearm was ready to give out. He tried to dash into traffic several times. When we got to the dog park he refused to play with the other dogs and instead, decided to agressively sniff the entire perimeter of the fence to better rub his pumpkin head into god knows how many dogs different "markings."

Then, as a cap off, on the way home Walter suddenly yanked the leash out of my hand, sprinted wildly and plunked down in a huge puddle. Then he rolled in the puddle, and when he saw me coming, he rolled again, instantly changing perfect apricot fawn into tarbaby. I soaked my shoes completely trying to retrieve him, and we walked home, me squish-squish-squishing and Wally-woo wagging his butt at me, as usual.

Shameless Pug Plug

My friend, who's about to publish her book, asked me how I got booksellers to "remember" my first book, (Pretty Little Mistakes) and I had a terrible confession to make. I told her I used Walter. I would go into bookstores with my adorable pug in his stroller and wowowowowow, boy howdy did everybody remember me! And not for my crappy book, but for my fabulous pug! Go Wally! Helping mama bring home the rent money!!

Mod Dog Indeedy Do!

Walter is the Mod Dog of the moment! (utterly fabulous site with must-have dog news and items) He ALSO got a shout-outr on Alison Pace's Pug Hill Page. (MUST-read book! http://www.alisonpace.com/) Wally woo is such a celebrity!

So I told Wallingford all the good news, and he became impossibly aloof and chose to show me this angle of his royal self all morning.
Check him 0ut in a far more refined pose:
http://www.mod-dog.com/blog/

I will not deep fry the dog, Mother.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb when I say I pamper Walter. He has his own backyard wading pool, all-terrain stroller, hand-woven wicker sleeping stand and in-home "pedicure station." Still, my mother isn't sure if I am a fit mother.

Today I told her that I thought Walter would like to dress up as his hero for Halloween. His hero happens to be the almighty Chicken Finger. She was immediately concerned. This is how the conversation went:

Me: I'm going to make Walter a chicken finger costume for Halloween.

My Mother: Well, I don't know. Be careful. Don't deep fry him or anything.

Me: (Pause) Do you actually think I would deep fry the dog?

My Mother: (sighs) Well I don't know. Do you remember that time you used the living room furniture in your school play?

Me: Yes. I remember. I was the set decorator and you said I could use some of the furniture.

My Mother: I was sitting in the audience staring at my entire living room set including your grandmother's rocking chair and those...those children were crawling all over everything.

Me: Yes. We've been over this. Does my seventh-grade "furniture heist" somehow indicate I would deep fry my dog?

My Mother: I'm just saying don't get carried away. Don't deep fry his costume either. I can just see you trying to get the perfect chicken finger color. Just put a hat on him.

Me: Mother, I can assure you I will not deep-fry my dog in order to achieve the perfect "chicken finger color," but thanks for assuming I wouldn't know that.

My Mother: When are you coming over?

Me: um, I'll let you know.

(Does anyone else's mother do this? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

Piggy Puggy

Home at last! I picked Wally up late and skee-daddled him home, where he found and thefted the homemade treats I bought back for him (see leering pug above) and after snarfing several down, he went through his routines of re-entry, including peeing on every plant in the back yard and beating up each one of his toys.

He reserves his most ferocious love for Big Pig, his stuffed pig that's more or less the same size and shape as he is. Every night, and tonight is no exception, he takes Big Pig, shakes the hell out of him and then chews on him as he falls asleep. I think it reminds hm of sleeping with his Pug mom when he was a baby. Anyway, we're all home again and this is a quick snap of Walter and Pig Big at the foot of my bed, reuntied at last.

Goodnight Wally.

Water Pug

Walter does not appreciate his life jacket.

I should like a fancy hat, please.

I took Walter to the fancy pet store so we could get him something festive to wear for the neighborhood block party. I wanted him to wear something "jubilant" and he gave me a look as if to say, "I just better damn well not look like an idiot."

After perusing the sporty cowboy kerchiefs and new rhinestone-studded fashion leashes, Walter chose this winsome hat, and when I put it on him, he became so goofy-happy it was like he was channeling Doris Day.

He drove all the way home in his new hat and then trotted down to the party, where he learned be-dazzle the children with the spinner while stealing chicken wings and cupcakes off their paper plates.

Every Day...

When I eat anything, this is what stares me down. Walster Wallerton from Wallington Downs. Such a munchkin orphan. The vet says he has to lose some weight...so how do I ignore this face? Today when I ate a single gingersnap, this is how Walter looked at me.

Pug-o-ween

I actually have been giving some serious thought to Wally's Halloween costume. I looked at a little Petsmart pirate outfit or a little black and white striped prison-gang outfit, but then I thought...Walter doesn't know what a pirate or a prisoner is!

what would HE want to go as if he could pick anything????

the answer was easy. A chicken finger. Walter would want to go trick-or-treating dressed as his most revered hero. The chicken finger. I can't believe I even considered anything else.

I'm going to the store for papier mache right now. This can't end badly, right?

Mayonaise Crack Addict

Today I was making salad dressing, which called for mayonaise. I wasn't sure about that. I'm not a huge fan of the stuff, so I glopped out the requisite amount onto saucer and set it aside. I went on making the dressing and decided I just didn't want to use the mayo - I didn't want the calories, so I used an oil/egg substitute. It turned out pretty badly.

Anyway, I forgot about the mayonaise. Not for a long time - maybe 20 minutes, but it was long enough for the attack. It was sitting on the side board waiting to be dealt with and I was loading the dishwasher when I heard a clatter and thump. I turn around to see through advanced geometry and valiant effort, Walter has climbed a chair, used the sink as a springboard, and landed on the sideboard, where he was ferociously lapping up mayonaise as quickly as he could.

"WALTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I dash over, whip the saucer away and plunk Puggerton down on the floor. "No Wally," I say, "The vet says you're 2lbs overweight and eating mayonaise is beneath a dog of your breeding. You're Chinese for God's sake." Walter did not agree. Apparently, mayonaise is something akin to crack cocaine for pugs. He had discovered his new drug of choice, and boy was he pissed at me for taking it away.

He barked, he growled, he circled around like the withdrawl symptoms were already setting in. He was relentless. I finished cleaning the kitchen and put the jar of mayo back in the fridge, Walter studied my actions closely and parked his butt in front of the fridge and barked at it for the rest of the day. Then he went into "orphan mode" and whimpered folornly. The entire production was worthy of an Emmy, but just this once, and possibly only this once, I didn't give in. he's breaking me though....I can feel it.

Free-range pugs

I don't know if I can maintain my snarky brooding personality and own a little Puggy-poo at the same time. Ok, I just said Puggy-poo. Thats what happens to even the best of us when a chubby court jester comes to live with you. My days are numbered.

(The above is "Pug Hill," a great book by Alison Pace. http://www.amazon.com/Pug-Hill-Alison-Pace/dp/0425209717)

Vaya Con Dios

Walter's Great Escape story just gets better and better.

Today I called his wonderful breeder, Kris, who lives close by. She watches Walter when I travel, which is great, because she not only owns 8 pugs herself (two of which are Walter's Momma and Papa) but she also babysits for lots of Walters siblings and cousins. So Walter literally goes home to a family reunion when I travel.

She asked me how I was and I said fine...and then she said, "Was Walter over in the grocery store parking lot yesterday?" What? I was stunned. How could she know that? I hadn't told anybody except my mother, neighbors and friends what happened...Had the secret society of Pug Police sounded the "BAD MAMA!" alarm? I know I would have. Anyway, here's how she knew:

Walter's biological little pug sister, Olive, was adopted by a nice family across town. It just so happens Olive's human mom was leaving the exact same grocery store at the exact same time Walter was found in the parking lot. (??) She saw this pug surrounded by people, wagging his tail while standing in a shopping cart and she thought it looked alot like Walter, but she wasn't sure. Of course she didn't have my number, nor did anyone because my little Wally had opted to go on his grand adventure without his collar, so she quick dialed Kris and left a message.

"Kris, there's a pug down at the grocery store. He looks alot like Olive. I wonder if it's Walter!"

What a lady! brilliant and kind. Anyway, Kris being the Pug Lady that she is geared up to go investigate. (Because a pug is a pug and if a pug-lover knows there's a pug in distress, any pug, they're going to get involved.) She called the store and the kid who answered the phone told her he just got in, but everyone was talking about it and he's told the Pug is fine and was picked up by it's (insane) owner.

Now I find all of this amazing because of my original disposition on the matter. The moment I realized Walter was missing, I freaked out. I hyperventilated. I frantically thought, I have to save him, where is he? My sweet precious angel baby! No one else can save him but me! No one else will care about my little defenseless porkchop! I'm the only one! Oh dear sweet Lord in Heaven he'll be alone in this world! No one will see him, he's s small! No one will help him! It's a cruel awful world and I've let my soft-bellied love won-ton out into it! Football players will find him and use my sugardumpling as dog-fight bait! I'll have to get all Jodi Foster in "The Brave One" and whip up some seriously illegal vigilante justice! I'll go to jail, but I'll deserve it! How could I let him loose alone in the world??

But Walter wasn't alone in the world. He was saved by pretty much everyone else in the world EXCEPT me. In the span of 20 minutes my "defenseless" dog had comandeered city officials, store employees and caring citizens, all of whom apparently agrees Walter shouldn't go to the pound. He was just too cute. They decided the person among them with the biggest fenced-in back yard should take him home and the others would call all the surrounding pounds and vets and leave contact numbers. Then they would make fliers and start asking around the neighborhood if anyone had lost a pug. Defenseless indeed. All these people helped him, not to mention phone calls were rocketing around the city about his well being.

.

I was just the crazy lady with no shoes on running around frantically, unable to call Walter's name out loud because I was hyperventilating. And all of this, I must tell you, I find to be the most marvelous lesson, if I can learn it. While I was thinking All is Lost! All wasn't lost. the universe was very neatly stitching together a safety net to catch Walter.

.

This Amazing synchronicity started clicking into place. Kris says Walter crossed the street with a group of people. He jogged to the corner, hung out with the group of people waiting. (people always cross there because the grocery store parking lot fills up quickly, so the park on our side of the street and cross over.) Everyone thought he was with everybody else. Then he just kept trundling along to the big place where "zay sell zah cheekin finners," and he skip-dee-deed to the parking lot, where there were the most people (fun!) kids (funner!) and the ocassional moving car, which is the "funnest" because he loves to chase them.

The universe keeps stitching things together, and collected a group of saints who stopped everything they were doing and turned their concerned attention on Walter. They fed him, watered him, gave him kisses and waited until the weeping, wretched owner (me) showed up to "save" him. But if I hadn't shown up, a WHOLE OTHER SAFTEY NET was being put in place.

.

The moral of my little story, at least to me, is that there are forces at work far greater than we can imagine. There are more good people than bad. Even if you think everything is lost, in fact, everything is just beginning.

Heart Attack

I meant to start this blog long ago...April 15 2007 in fact, the day little Walter came into my life and changed it forever.

The beginning was hard. This is my first dog and my first pug. I knew they were alot of work, I'd researched them intensively but even still, those first few weeks getting up every 4 hours to let Walter pee was even harder than the books said it would be! The amount of paraphanalia I bought for him took up an entire kitchen cupboard and several large baskets kept on top of his top-of-the-line wicker kennel. And the vaccines! I don't know which was worse, how expensive they were or watching Walter get them. He was always so confused afterwards, how was he to know I'd paid for this mean lady to hurt him!

But we got through it and I started to learn alot about Walter "Biggie Smalls" McPuggins. I could write a book on his odd habits, love of chicken fingers and social farting skills. (As in, not-so-social. He'll just let it rip whenever he pleases.) He soon worked his way deep into my heart and right into my bed, where he sleeps every night, with his head on the pillow.

Things I loved about him I had no idea I would love:

1. His little Pug butt.
2. His "bark" which is more of a "quack."
3. His ability to fart while looking lovingly into my eyes.
4. His amazingly intricate "preparing to sleep" routine, which involves collecting favorite toys from around the house and beating the hell out of them on the bed.
5. His amazingly intricate "I'm home from vacation" routine, which involves collecting all his toys from around the house and beating the hell out of them on the bed.
6. His fishstick breath.
7. His yawning sound. Much like a teakettle.
8. His anger towards anyone feeble walking past the house. Big dogs and muggers are fine, but God help any little old ladies or teacup yorkies that dare pass. Walter will not have it.
9. His disdain for store-bought dog food. He can't even believe you'd try to give him that crap.
10. His snoring. I'll never feel like a single girl again.


This little Wally-woo has become family. I confess, when one gentleman caller informed me he would never sleep in the same bed as a dog, I very quickly showed him the door. Not a hard decision at all! Love me, love my pug!

So today, when Walter escaped from the backyard through a gate the lawn guy left ajar...I had a panic and heart attack simultaneously. Where did he go? What did he do? Where should I look! I hadn't microchipped him yet, and his collar was off so I could clean the peanut butter he had somehow gotten on it. He was completely without ID! I tried to keep my panic down. I knew I had to find him and these first minutes were crucial.

I had only let him into the yard ten minutes ago, but ten minutes to a Pug running full tilt is a long time. I started to hyperventilate. I couldn't think straight. I jumped in my car and then jumped back out. If I drove I might miss him - he's so small!! I started running around like a chicken screaming WALTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

My neighbor asked what was wrong. I could hardly speak, I thought I was going to faint.

"Walter...got....out....gasp...Never...been...out...before...gasp...wheeze...pant"

She, angel that she is said she'd start looking for him and she took off down the street. I just tried to clear my head and I had an idea. I live on the edge of a quiet neighborhood, three directions from my house lead into big lawns, friendly neighbors and relative safety. I knew if Walter had run in any of those directions he would be ok. The big worry was the main road one block away from us. One of those big straight 6-lane roads that people speed down like a highway. If Walter was there, he was definitely not ok.


So I ran, barefoot and crying to the busy corner. I didn't want to cry, but I really couldn't control it. I must have looked insane. I was pacing back and forth calling Walters name frantically. After a few minutes of wringing my hands and avoiding eye contact with all the perplexed motorists speeding by, I hear this woman calling to me from across the street. She was yelling:

"DID YOU LOSE A..."

Her voice was drowned out by traffic noise, but that was enough for me. I knew she meant Walter. I charged headlong across the street, not even looking. Cars honked at me, the crazy lady crossing against traffic, but I didn't care. I didn't even know if I was about to be hit, I just ran. If I didn't find Biggie Smalls, I didn't want to live anyway.

"Where!" I shouted at the nice lady, "WHERE?!?!" She pointed to the big grocery store parking lot. The grocery store???? He's never even been here before, we never cross this street! Why would he go there?? (He probably smelled the frozen chicken fingers.)

I didn't stop to chat with nice lady, I sailed past and cruised around the corner, out of breath, tears-stained face, only to see WALTER!!!!!!! There he was, sitting in a red shopping cart pretty-as-you-please, nonplussed and surrounded by TWO police officers and a half dozen grocery store employees and concerned citizens. They were all fawning over him and petting him and someone had gotten him a dish of water. Why were so many people around him? Why was someone taking a picture of him with their camera phone? How did the police get involved?

"WALTER!" I yelped and charged over...but upon reaching him, all the panic and fear I'd pushed back came rushing back. I just started to sob. The group was surprisingly understanding. Even though I had no ID, (or shoes,) they didn't question the fact this weeping drooling lunatic was obviously Walter's mom. Walter, who looked like he was having the time of his life at first, saw me crying and actually started to whimper and tried to scramble out of the cart and into my arms. "I guess that's mom!" someone said, "he already knows he's in trouble."

I had to wait a second before I could pick him up. I was shaking so badly I thought I'd drop him. The nice grocery store lady went and got me a coffee. The woman who first found him in the parking lot "weaving in and out between cars" gave me a big hug. The cop gave me a mini-speech about getting my dog microchipped. I just wanted to kiss each and every one of them. I was so grateful. When I told them Walter had somehow crossed the 6-lane street next to us - they took a collective gasp.

"We figured he belonged to someone on this side of the street!" someone said, "how would he have gotten across without getting hit? It isn't possible!"

That made me cry harder. I have no idea how my directionless, woggle-eyed pug made it across 6 lanes of traffic and into the frozen chicken-finger place (What I imagine he calls it) But he did. And thank you dear Lord, he made it alive and into the arms of some very kind and concerned people. I thanked them all profusely and picked wiggle baby up.

Walter and I walked back home, me carrying him with my face buried in his coat. He smelled so good. I had just given him a bath the previous night, and used new French doggie shampoo. He probably thought I was getting him ready for his big day out. I let my neighbor know he was safe and took him inside, where I made myself a cocktail the size of my head and collapsed. I thought about all the things that could of happened and how lucky we were and how I'm going to fire the lawn guy and cite "incompetent gate latching" as the reason.

Oh Walter.

I'm recovering, but in those horrible moments when I thought he might be gone forever, I realized just how much I loved him and how much he's a part of my life. This squiggle-tailed butter monkey has become my true love. I made him chicken fingers for dinner and called in an appointment at the vets.

He's getting microchipped tomorrow.